i feel so broken.
this point was a result of fake progress.
telling myself i was doing better,
without really looking and working and changing the things that needed too.
the result of suppressing all the issues and insecurities inside me,
letting all my new insecurities leech onto the already overflowing baggage from before.
letting them grow and feats of each other,
yet consistently telling myself, im doing better, im okay.
when im not.
i know this is the perfect chance for me to grow as a person,
away from everything i knew, everyone i knew,
and get to explore who i anted to be, haing no one around me with expectations.
but i am also really missing the people who did know me,
at least having people who knew my whole story
knew my issues. my disorders. what ive been through. what i go through.
but i know that can be another excuse too,
and i know its time for me to be independent
but its just so much easier said than done
when dependencey is all youve ever been taught to know
but the resulting person turned into a more destructive person than i can ever imagine.
i have become the person i never wanted to be.
a person that i essentially hate.
and yet, it happened,
turns out keeping everything bottled up really will make you explode at a moment.
and im pretty damn sure ive reached my moments.
and the shittiest part is knowing that your explosion not only leaves you broken,
but the shattered pieces will also hit other people through the process.
and if theres something ive learned in my life,
i would always choose hurting myself over other people.
which in turns makes this entire process all the more difficult.
but here i am,
maybe its now, maybe this is my moment.
im tired of being this person, so tired.
so tired of carrying around 21 years of self destructive baggage,
really really really destructive baggage.
i know the real me is in there, but this isnt her.
i want to be her, and just her. no other shit attached.
it has to change. it will change.
i can not go on like this. im so tired of it all. it just always leaves me tired.
and ive also never wanted to be home so badly.
but im here, stuck here. broken. for now.